This page was last revised on 9th December 2006
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
The above examples were found on the Internet. Now here's one from Tessie the Patterdale Terrier (View the Guestbook!). It is reproduced here with permission.
by Gary Bogue, Columnist for The San Ramon Valley Times
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Westie.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
This article is the copyright of Bruce Cameron. It is very funny and, take it from Ian and Julie, very true - allegedly! Click on the heading to visit Mr Cameron's website and read what I'm talking about!
( * Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.)
You feed me when I'm hungry
You keep water in my dish
You let me sleep on anything
Or in any place I wish
You sometimes let me lick your hands
Or even lick your face
Despite the fact I've licked myself
In every private place
You taught me how to come when called
You taught me how to roll
You always let me go outside
So I can take a stroll
I've been with you through oh so much
Through laughter and through tears
I hope you live to be a hundred
That's 700 in doggy years!
[Author Unknown]
On a Fence, somewhere in the world.....!:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room - somewhere.....!:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Q. In theory, why don't dogs make good dancers?
A. Because they have two left feet!
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word). Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
[via office e-mail]
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began looking for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined the light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who are you?" "Moses" replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered. "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
[via office e-mail]
Q: Why isn't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because it can't hold on to a lead.
[Internet joke]
Dear Dogs
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.
My compact discs are not miniature frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell other dogs' butts. I can not stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.
Sincerely, Your Human
(Located on the Paw Prints Review - July 2003
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advances out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Boss suit, Gucci shoes and Ray-bans leaned out of the window and said to the shepherd, "if I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "Yes." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his laptop and connected it to a cell-phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database with complex formulas. He sent an email and in a few minutes he received a response. He printed out a 150 page report, then turned to the shepherd and said "You have exactly 1,586 sheep." "That is correct - take one of the sheep" said the shepherd. He watches the young man take one of the sheep and bundle it into his car.Then the shepherd says "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not" answered the man. "Clearly, you are a Consultant" said the shepherd. "That's correct" said the man "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required" said the shepherd "You turned up here although nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know absolutely nothing about my business........now give me back my dog!"
[Author unknown]
On the first day, Dog created a nice cozy rug in front of the fire and a muddy patch in the middle of the lawn. And He called the cozy rug Heaven and the muddy patch Earth. And He saw that both were good!
On the second day, Dog divided the Earth into two. And he called one half water, and the more interesting half food. And He saw both were good, especially the food bit!
On the third day, Dog said, in doggy language obviously, "Let there be light!" But all there was was darkness, because he had not yet created anyone who could reach the light switch.
So on the fourth day, Dog created man and woman to make sure there was light. And He saw that light was good, but that there was still darkness when the light went out. And He saw that the darkness was not good because it meant bedtime!
On the fifth day, Dog was really busy, and created two things: firstly, training schools so that He could teach woman how to be a well-behaved pet and, secondly, the ball-on-a rope, so He could demonstrate to man that Dog is champion at tug and, indeed, at all games. And He was well-pleased with His efforts on the fifth day!
On the sixth day, Dog created lots of other Dogs to help him finish Creation because otherwise, He could see this thing taking an eternity to complete. And the Dogs did a fine job, and got everything sorted by the end of the sixth day.
On the seventh day, Dog (that is, the original one, not any of the others) was absolutely exhausted, and slept throughout on man's favourite chair!